My Journey to Rediscovering Myself

Introduction

There is not any other moment than right now to rediscover yourself and begin chasing the dreams you have always wanted. The Hardest emotion to endure is not feeling like you are going to be able to do it, and I would say that you are not giving yourself enough credit for making it this far. Life is full of magical moments and memories that no one else would have experienced. Entirely unique to ourselves and of those we encounter along the way.

As kids we grew up in a household of adults that were just kids themselves. Guided by their rules and lifestyles, not aware of how different life can be beyond the walls of our childhood homes. Do you remember shouting out the first ideas of what you wanted to do, did you want to be a doctor, an astronaut, a scientist, a truck driver, the mail man. I thought I wanted to be an actor and act in front of a camera, to tell stories just like all my favorite actors.

It was a dream of mine but not for the reason you would think, I was not after fame or money. No, I wanted to be an actor because I wanted to be a role model. I wanted to be like Adam Sandler, surrounded by people that loved him. Movie after movie his friends were there beside him. If his love and goofiness could get him to where he was and surrounded by unconditional love, why not do the same for me? To be the one people feel safe with, to be silly and free with. This was the torch I decided I would hold, but sometimes that dream's light can fade challenging even the dreams Identity.

The Starting Point

Buried deep within my own mind, I have faced images of my own death in silence. Rooted from scares of childhood trauma never truly let go. I have made promise after promise to myself, to never become like the hand of the person that came swinging at me. To never let anger control me. I have promised that I would never leave anyone behind and turn my back on someone in need. Each day there was another promise to someone else, a promise not to be like someone else. That I was forgetting the most important part of it all, the promises to be who I wanted to be, to discover what I like about myself and to never leave myself behind.

Not aware that the anger I held within was slowly turning towards myself. Asking myself repeatedly if I am doing enough, if I am enough! These thoughts are only ever temporary, but they strike me in the heart every time. Shadows lurked over me without remorse, reminding me that no one could love me, nobody would want to be with me. In a pursuit to prove it wrong I started reaching for torch after torch of a new idea here and there. Writing a poetry book, drafting a novel, painting, sculpting, molding. I have fallen into the realm of lost Identity hoping someone would see me, that anyone would see me.

I was losing memories, stumbling over my words, and just living my life blindly thinking I was going somewhere. Speaking of my dreams allowed me not to preach but to remind myself what it is that I have been fighting for to survive for. Even with all my accomplishments I still do not feel like I was doing what I wanted to do. I let go of the dream to act and lost the drive. Faced with reality that it is not meant for me. Struggling with not having my own place to stay, trapped within a tiny room that never truly felt welcoming. In isolation I was losing faith in myself if I did not do something the darkness would surlily eat me alive from the inside-out.

The Catalyst for Change

There were a series of moments in my past that had contributed to the shift in my ever-changing mindset. From the experience I have gained from going to college and meeting a wide range of people, who opened my eyes to new horizons. After college I did not have a real plan or opportunity to set me on the right path to a successful life. I have sold cars which helped me get a car for myself while learning how to sell products. I Worked in a bank learning how to be finically independent while also teaching me how to think about my future. Two jobs that did not offer or support creative outlets to allow myself freedom of creative expression. Even if these jobs were amazing, they were not me. That is when I sought out what type of creative expression was calling to me. The first moment I started to think about what I wanted in my life.

Pottery became an interest, and I followed it like a song captivating my attention, which in a strange way led me to my current work home. Helping customers with a wide range of manners. My curiosity and unfamiliarity on how to search for jobs, from looking for pottery jobs to finding myself becoming an Interior designer for Pottery Barn. Despite the outcome there was a love for it growing within me but the yearning for something larger never escaped me. I have only ever come closer to discovering it in my journey, but in the meantime learning how to set up a home, what a home feels like, and how I can do that for people. From seeing the smiles on people’s faces from bringing magical moments to life within their own homes. I would see new face after new face and somedays I would not see them for a while but when I did, they told me all about how happy they have been since the last time. I was doing what I dreamed of doing in a separate way than I thought I wanted to do.

Unfortunately given my living conditions at the time I did not dedicate time outside of work to making pottery given the demand of my job and the un-flexible schedule my boss required. One day I decided I wanted to try painting, an area that I was not familiar with but that did not stop me. I wanted to express myself, to free myself within the comfort of my own home. Not aware that the first painting I made would symbolize that exact feeling I was looking for while also becoming the catalyst for what my inner self had desired all along. The Blue Bird was born in the summer of 2023, the same summer a spark within was lit, shining a dim light in the direction I was meant to travel in.

The Process of Rediscovery

After painting my first work, it became the love I have been searching for. I felt compelled to paint more as if there was something in me trying to speak. At first my understanding was that I had been exploring unique styles of art and how to use different techniques. All while gaining skills in a whole new area of expression, that I was unfamiliar with exploring. Before college I would draw all the time, but my primary desire was to sculpt with my hands. Bringing the objects I see in my mind to a 3D Reality. Before my work had been on a small scale. For self-admiring or to give away and never see again. During college I was challenged by one of my professors Bob Dilworth, an amazing induvial who was always cheery and encouraging, his work was stunning and captivating. He challenged me to work on a painting that was on a four-by-four canvas. Even then I did not feel like painting. I was in love with Texture, and I had a flashback to this moment in elementary school with melting crayons. While sitting in what felt like a boiler room, it was a classroom in the basement of the school. There were these old-fashioned giant radiators. Always warm to the sense of touch, the best situation for a science experiment and to see how long a crayon would last before it became a puddle of wax decorating the radiator in colors.

Had Bob not challenged me then I do not think I would have had that memory or attempted to make larger scale works now. Over the next Year and a half, I painted thirty assorted styles of work. Each challenging me in use of color and expression. Between the three years that I have been working for Pottery Barn a customer asked me if I knew what Art Therapy was because our conversation had been how important Art was and from how I talked about it as if I had already known the healing Art was capable of doing. Back then I knew nothing about Art therapy. Today I have explored what it is and have read about the effects and changes it brought into people’s lives. In the little I have learned, my work has shifted and my approach to making art has benefited along with growth in my mental health.

As I continued to explore the wealth of knowledge that was now at my fingertips. Emotions that I was not familiar with on a day-to-day basis began to flood into my life. I needed a place beyond the walls where I slept. Nature had brought me the opportunity to allow those emotions a chance to be experienced for the first time without distractions. Learning how to lean into feeling those emotions was not easy. They brought up memories I was not used to thinking about. Memories that use to hold power over me. Id brush them off and move on, but they kept coming back. They wanted to be heard, wanted to be felt and at first it was hard until I started to listen to them. When I started to talk about them and how they made me feel. There was a sense of relief that followed from it. The very first time I cried alone I sat outside, and I acknowledged that I needed help. I said it softly instead of just thinking about it. I wanted to hear the words I was thinking. I wanted to know what they sounded like when I said it, so I could hear how it sounded. "I need help, I need help" louder and louder I confessed to myself. This was the moment I realized I could no longer live like I had been.

Overcoming Obstacles

Pursuing a career in the arts is widely viewed with constant pushbacks and criticism. Often challenged and viewed as a weaker career choice. "There's no money in it" "You'll only see value when you are dead" "You must think about your future" "You must be extremely talented to succeed" "That's not a real career." Even when I was just pursuing theatre and acting, I faced the same mentality as those around me. This type of mindset Is not wrong to a degree. I have observed how the western world normally views ANY of the forms of Artistic expression. That popularity deserves more recognition and observation than those who do not catch people’s eyes in a flashy or dramatic way. Art unless spoken highly of does not grab the attention of everyday people. News does not break wind unless there's money to be grabbed for personal profit.

As technology advances, AI has been slowly taking over a majority of the creative world, and we obsess over what is new like a drug. How can I compete with instant production when my work takes time to experience and understand before it even hits the drawing board? To walk into a room full of long-invested artists before me, who have honed their craft and have become experts at what they do. What chances do I have at this moment that gives me the opportunity to succeed? Especially against such odds in the modern day, this version of the modern day. If I want to pursue myself further and a career that is everything I have been looking for. I cannot think about just living in the modern day! I do not want to just live in the modern day. Every era before me was living in their modern day, I want to experience it for what it is! But I want to live for the future and living for the future is how I confront these obstacles.

Standing before fear of failing or being enough, it felt like standing on the edge of a cliff. In one hand I held a rope attached to success that was pulling me over the edge, but I could not see the bottom. In the other hand another rope attached to a rock labeled safety but that meant I had to let go of the potential of success. If I risk falling with my success I do not know where it will take me but if I let go, I will never know what could have become of me. Often, I think like this; About what I am willing to do to reach my goals. What kinds of sacrifices do I need to make? One of the hardest things I have decided to let go is watching Tv and gaming digitally. I chose to let go of comfort and leisure and free up more of my time to pursue this version of myself, that I have always been. In the process of fine tuning and understanding how to work for myself, it meant working on myself after work instead of relaxing and letting time slip away.

I acknowledged fears that surfaced during this journey but never allowed them to win. Never allowed them to take away my Progress. Fear of becoming was a chain I no longer wanted to add links to and carry any more.

Milestones Achieved

Today as of July 24th I look at myself in the mirror with pride. A mirror I had once tucked away due to how my room was set up. I used to sit in darkness, blocking the sun light so I could only see the Tv. I barely had space to move about my room, let alone a division or functionality for any other purpose than to sleep and escape into the online world of gaming. Now I have a space to sleep, a desk to focus on establishing my business and my self-education and a small but functional studio space to continue creating my artwork. This space is what I make of it, and I am so proud of how I have turned everything around. From the outside this may seem small, but to me it is one of the biggest accomplishments I have achieved so far.

I have invested in art journals and regular journals to log my thoughts and capture my imagination. when my space Is not inspiring me enough, I head out for hikes and to explore unique and unfamiliar places I have never been. I have started to visit coffee shops for the aesthetic feeling of inspiration, for my small journal entries. I invested in a camera to capture the beautiful minute details of the world that I wish to share from my perspective. I have invested in cookbooks to teach myself new recipes and broaden my taste for what tasty food and healthy food is. Finding time to be active and pick up dance classes, the one thing that always puts a smile on my face.

Learning how to set boundaries and speak up for myself and what is mentally healthy for me to keep pushing forward was one of the hardest but freeing things I have ever learned how to do. To think how these accomplishments all happened within a year and there is still so much more for me to acknowledge about my growth and where I'll be in the next 5 to 10 years. That is a future I look forward to living in.

Continuing the Journey

As cliche as this may sound, life must go on and the road I am on stretches far and beyond my ability to see. From my first milestones I have realized that I can do so much more. large milestones like owning my car completely with no payments, investing in a home that I can invite my family and friends too so that I may cook for them, host and provide a safe place for refuge. A home that also has a studio space attached, where I can begin teaching and pass on the knowledge that I have acquired over the years.

As for now, I have this little notebook, where I have written out my ten things of ten things bucket list to complete by the end of the year, I have a destination list of so many wonderful places I have not yet explored. Works of art I wish to share in a collective space to engage and have meaningful conversations. My goals are around Art and impacting the world outside of myself but what I have done to turn my life around is by no means beyond anyone's ability to do the same. I hope my words of experience are encouraging and that you too can begin to look inward at what is important to you and begin following what your heart has been calling for.

Conclusion

Looking back, I now realized that I have learned how to look inward, I learned that facing the shadows that walked beside me did not mean I had to let them control me. That my life is truly mine to live and experience even if faced with uncertainty. Taking a leap into doing something a little adventurous can become a snowball rolling down the hill. As kids we not always shown the right path, or how to find our way when the rain or fog becomes too thick. That is the beauty of discovering who we truly are as we get older. However, we cannot become stubborn in thinking that once we find this truth and version of ourselves that has always been dormant within us that our journey is over. Continuously believe in exploring all things that bring you joy. Believe in being the torch for those trailing not so far behind you, because one day you will have to pass the torch to them.

We live for us, we live for survival, we live to grow.